2017.10.11

New nightly ritual for the Monster: lay his head down and say a quick prayer - "Lord God. Don't let the morning come."

I've been corrupted beyond repair by the constant deceit. I loath what I've become. If there is speck of saintly light left in my behavior, it is too dim to even cast a shadow. 

I'm all monster. But I know no other way.

Last night MW woke me up around one in the morning to ask why it is people sometimes can't pronounce words. "Is it HD?" she asks.

"Of course not. I always mispronounce things."

Side note: I used to deliberately skip or mispronounce words around MW just to maintain the lie; but now that I've started drinking again, this is no longer necessary.

Yeah, so what? This is the kind of small, shitty lie I've been selling for years now. Not monstrous, no, because MW has clearly stated she'd rather not know if she has the disease. This lie is 100% saint!

Well, maybe not. Because it comes on the heels of this:

MW had been obsessing over the Vegas shootings. Every day, non-stop "why do you think he did it?" If you don't live in an HD house, you can't possibly understand, but when an HD victim latches onto something like this, it endlessly spirals until it becomes madness. 

However, I figured out a way to stop it. I know MW. She doesn't like scary stuff - won't even let me watch horror movies. So when she started going on again about why that Vegas guy shot up all those people, I replied. 

"Without any information, nobody can say. For all we know, it might be demonic possession."

"Don't say that," she whined, but it shut her down. She hasn't talked about Vegas since.

See? 100% monster.

***

And, of course, there's the falling, kitchen mishaps, and household hazards. What am I doing? Waiting for MW to get really, really hurt before I stop this? What the hell am I doing?

***

And yet, what if I'd told the truth last night - or any of the other endless nights? Told MW she shows symptoms of Huntington's? 

Again, I know MW. It would have ended her. Quite simply ended her.  

That's a lot of power; to end someone's life. And, fucking hell, a lot of responsibility too.

God I wish I was a better person. I wish I could figure this out.

I wish morning hadn't come today.