Gaslighting. I hadn't even known that was a real thing - I mean, I'd seen the movie and heard the term used before, but always in a context that was so bizarre as to be fictional. Or humorous - "you trying to gaslight me?" But, apparently, it is a form of psychological abuse common enough to be buzzed about these days. They even had a story about it on one of the local news stations recently.
And, once again, it caused me to question my behavior towards MW.
What the hell am I doing to her?
This comes after a particularly treacherous Sunday where my little house of cards came so very close to collapsing. MW fell down suddenly and without any provocation. One second, standing; the next, on her knees on the floor looking dazed and confused.
And, oh, that was not good.
But before we get into the after-effects, allow me to expand on some of my experiences with the symptoms of early-onset dementia via HD. First and foremost, if you haven't actually spent time - real time - with someone who has Huntington's disease, there is no way you'll ever understand what it is like. This isn't hyperbole or aggrandizement of the disease. Yes, there are plenty articles you can read about the "cognitive" disorders - difficulty organizing, perseveration, depression, on and on - but unless you live there...? You couldn't possibly understand.
But I do. And I've learned - hard - how to deal...? No, not deal exactly. But how to... use? How to use MW's myriad spikes of dementia to my advantage.
Sounds dubious, and I suppose in a way it is. Reverse gaslighting.
See, MW cannot disassociate her own experiences with external forces. A mouthful, but basically, if there is something that causes something, it doesn't really cause that thing unless it happened exactly the same way to her.
Errrr. Maybe an example will help. So MW occasionally gets rashes - heat rashes - around her collar. Nothing remarkable - happens to everybody, but each time one occurs on MW she sinks into a pit of worry and despair. Why is she getting the rash? What does it mean? Is it cancer? Will she die?
I do my best to calm her; no, it is just a heat rash. It'll fade soon. Be patient.
But that answer can not assuage her because she has been in hot weather before, and it hasn't always caused a rash.
No, see, that's not what a heat rash means. It isn't just weather....
Anyway, no matter how hard I try to convince her otherwise, she can't disassociate her experiences. The rash could be caused by a bug bite - she's been bit before without getting a rash. Might be anxiety - she's had worse days. Maybe an allergy - but she's never been allergic to anything before
Like that.
Now back to the fall: MW recovered physically - not even bruised - but the downward emotional spiral was intense. The fall, she knew, was a symptom of HD.
Of course not, I assured her. Everybody falls. Not everybody has HD. You've nothing to worry about.
She wasn't buying it: Not everybody falls, she said; not like that. She was certain she had HD; and continued to press me to acknowledge that fact.
But I stuck to my guns. Falling has nothing whatsoever to do with HD. Not even close. Not relevant at all. Falling is just an accident and accidents happen to everyone.
Again, if you've never spent time.... You probably wouldn't believe how long this conversation went on. MW would not; could not let it go. She insisted I tell her the truth - she insisted I tell her she had the disease.
It wore me down. I almost cracked.
But then I had an inspiration:
Your mom never fell; I asked her. Did she?
MW thought about that. No. No, my mother never did fall down.
See? Your mother had HD, but she never fell down, so falling down is not a symptom of Huntington's Disease.
Bingo. I'd proven to MW's satisfaction that she did not have anything to worry about; and I did it by exploiting her own "cognitive" weakness.
Because of course her mother had fallen down. Of course she had. MW hadn't been with her 24 hours of the day; and the time she was with her would have been around the house where, even if she had fallen, she wouldn't have drawn attention to that event.
But MW always bragged about how healthy her mother had been up until the diagnosis. How strong a woman.... Hell, I believe it is quite possible MW had seen her mother fall; but just couldn't make the connection because after the diagnosis it was all pretty much house-bound, moving only when assisted or by wheelchair. Hard to fall when you're in a wheelchair.
So a stiff wind had blown; the walls buckled and plaster fell from the ceiling, but I'd managed to keep the whole goddamned mess together. One more time.
And I owe it all to reverse gaslighting.
