Something new: MW has started noticing weight loss. Her clothes are looser, her face has slimmed. But her diet hasn't changed. So what's going on!?!? Diabetes? Thyroid.... CANCER?
All day all night, every day every night; MW has become obsessed with the idea that she is loosing weight because of some disease.
And she is. HD. But she can't know that so I lie.
I tell her it is because her metabolism has changed with age. Sure. As you... mature... your body goes through changes. It is common for people to experience weight loss as they approach their 50s. Happens all the time. Nothing to worry about.
Christ. How much longer can I keep this up?
Especially now that I have honest-and-for-true-no-kidding-this-time quit drinking. And this time it'll stick; because a couple of weeks ago I got blind drunk, passed out on the bathroom floor, and almost burned the house down with my lunch on the stove.
I'm in a strange place. I'm not overly concerned with my own health. And I'm not at all certain that I'm even being helpful in my roll as "care giver". Indeed, I can (and have) made very convincing arguments that my efforts to shield MW from Huntington's Disease are misguided, dangerous, detrimental, and cowardly.
She would be in a better place without me. It would be FORCED upon her.
So I pass out drunk cuddled against the toilette bowl, who cares? It's as good a way as any to pass the time, waiting for death. But I can't have the house burn down. I can't be that reckless.
***
My dad has reached the point where the doctors are talking "quality of life" issues with him. He can choose to stop treatment any day now. Knowing him, he will. Can't blame him but FUCK SHIT FUCK!!! How the fuck am I supposed to visit? Or go to a goddamned funeral? I can't leave MW, and I can't conceive travelling with her. It is difficult enough keeping her between the ditches within the confines of our house. MW on the road? Hell no.
Thanks a lot, dad, for dying young.
Well. HD does make monsters of us all.
