Robin Williams killed himself, they say, because he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.
Thanks to the "ice bucket" challenge, ALS Disease awareness is at an all time high. Indeed, they say this social media initiative has been so successful, they've raised a million plus for ALS research.
Huntington's Disease is a witches' brew of both these diseases with a dose of Alzheimer's mixed in for measure.
So between Mork stamping his "no-return" ticket to Ork and seeing some douche get a cold douche every time I turn on the computer, thoughts of Neurological Diseases are inescapable these days.
First things first - I have no sympathy, but complete understanding for Robin Williams' suicide. Sympathy is undeserved because Parkinson's ain't that bad. Fuck you, it ain't, I know. Understanding, however, because I've come to realize that suicide can be a valid solution.
Not an easy revelation to come upon, but one I feel confident enough to defend. And I was raised Catholic.
Huntington's Disease is a genetic trait one is born with. Like blue eyes. But it is a genetic trait that causes dementia and kills you ugly. There is no cure. Would it still be a mortal sin to commit suicide if you were born with HD?
No. And I would take that argument right to St. Peter at the judgement gates. You don't want suicides in heaven, then stop allowing people to be born with broken brains. You shit.
HD isn't a "life challenge". It isn't something that can be prayed over and conquered. It is a birth-right death-sentence and it is absolutely pointless and awful. There is no religious lessen to be learned here. Unless you count "suffer and die" as gospel.
Regarding the ice-bucket challenge. It has been going on long enough now that we're seeing some back-lash. People don't like being shamed into charitable donations and some complain that they would rather donate to different causes. I've even seen a few mems about how it is a big waste of water. Whatever. Obviously it has been a successful campaign. They even tried a similar stunt for Huntington's Disease. A pie to the face or donate. Eh, that didn't catch on as well.
Nevertheless, a million plus to research a cure for ALS, which might also provide some relief for HD. That's a good thing.
Still. Something tells me even after all this - all the shivers and tax deductions - ALS will still be around a year from now. Five years. Ten. Twenty. A hundred.
The diseases will win. The diseases always win.
2014.08.21
Don't mean to jinx it, but if I make it through the coming weekend sober, I think I'll have kicked the booze for good. Been pretty drunk these past three months and it was starting to affect me at work. I can't loose this job; not yet, not until I have no choice but to become a round-the-clock-stay-at-home, caregiver. Got to sock away the paychecks, you know. Sure, MW will qualify for disability - sweet, I'll be living off my wife's social security! Every trailer trash boy's dream - but I know from experience we'll need more than Uncle Sugar provides for those little emergencies: making utilities handicap accessible, dietary supplements, hired help, etc..
Anyway, it has been... informative - spending three months inside the bottle. I've never had much patience for alcoholics, but now I certainly see the allure. Not only does drinking take the edge off tragedy, it also frees the mind to imagine greatness. All that self-motivation bullshit - I can accomplish anything! - seems real when drunk. Oh, the plans I made, the future I imagined! yes! as long as I kept the bottle to my lips it all could happen.
Now that the cap is on, I'm much less enthusiastic. But at least I'm employed. That's the most important thing. For now, anyway. Part of the agreement I've made with myself to achieve and maintain this sobriety is the understanding that as soon as I'm no longer punching a clock, I'm right off this goddamn wagon. By then I'll be spending the days watching MW die by inches. No way I'm doing it sober.
2014.08.23
The good (?) news is it stuck. I made it through the weekend without drinking or buying booze. Now what?
Back to basics: the point of all this was to chronicle MW's descent into HD. One year ago, right around this time, MW had the breakdown that caused her to quit a job and disconnect from her family. Since then she regained the job, but still hasn't seen or talked to anyone in her family.
MW has maintained the bizarre and highly restrictive diet she started one year ago.
She continues to be overly sensitive and regimented about sleep.
Extended conversations with MW frequently display indications of dementia. Paranoia. Fantastic delusions. Nothing I can't defuse or redirect when we're together, and she seems to do okay around her co-workers.
So it has been a year since I started this blog and, really, things aren't any worse than they were back then. Better, actually, because her family is shite and not having to deal with their relationship is a huge relief.
Certainly, I am aware of MW's slurred, stinted speech. How she skips or can't find words. Also, I notice the chorea; the difficulty in handing her things, her "clumsiness". I have to constantly clean up after her, especially when she eats. And, even more troubling, the increased frequency of her choking or coughing around her food. But I'm the only one clued into these symptoms and only because I've studied up on the disease.
Could it be I'm projecting? Maybe MW doesn't have HD after all. Maybe I'm the paranoid one.
Maybe.
Time, I guess, will tell. But holy fuck this waiting around for things to get worse is a bitch.
