2016.08.26

We're back to taping notes on the wall. Alexa, you bitch, you've failed me!

A forgotten candle caused this regression. MW left it burning all day then spent the night fretting about safety. Getting me out of bed at midnight to check and make sure every candle in the house was "out". Fingers to wick; "Yup, this one's safe...." Now the HD wallpaper is back with instructions to always check the candles, never sleep during the day, don't walk up the stairs wearing a skirt, always hold the handrails, etc. etc.

And once again the promise of a better life through technology has fallen short in its delivery. Oh well, I can still say "Alexa, play Cheap Trick" and get some use from the slag.

The cousins will be here in a week. I've had to take three days off from work so far just to prepare; with more to come, I'm sure. Moving, cleaning... getting the house in order. This summer has been difficult enough with the changes in MW's job and diet - I really don't need to be dealing with this shit too. I wish there was a way to talk with these people, clue them in on the situation, ask them to run all communication with MW through me first so I can plan and manage, but I know that would just make everything worse. They can't be trusted.

The grenades keep getting lobbed in our direction and I'm trying to bat them all away, but I've been whiffing too many these days. I'm exhausted.

I'm also in pain. I haven't had a drink since Sunday night. I suppose it's withdrawal symptoms, but Goddamn. Still? It's been four days. Should I still be waking up at 4 in the morning with the sweats and shakes? How much longer will my hands continue to tremble? I feel my resolve failing. I'm pretty sure I'll be crawling back into the bottle, but hopefully I can get through the family visit first. I'll need a clear head for that.

The basis for this attempt at sobriety was an especially troublesome dream. Not a nightmare, it was actually fairly prosaic - I was in a house that was being renovated so there were lots of workers around, and it was messy, and people were annoyed and busy, but the trouble was I had a hard time snapping out of it. I couldn't distinguish the dream from reality. It was a struggle to come awake. And even after waking up, it took time to sort everything out. Had I been there? Had I done those things? No, impossible. But it unnerved me to the point where I decided to try the cure again.

I went as far as checking Alcoholics Anonymous' website for meetings. Alas, my only availability to attend would be a brief lunch hour and it would have to be within walking distance of the office. No such time/place. Also, the site specified that most alcoholics need the support of their family when going through the cure. Welp. That lets me out.  

2016.08.19

Everybody at the office where MW works is crazy. They're all mentally unstable and don't know how to act around people. MW relates stories to me on a daily basis about how they talk and behave themselves - they're all on drugs! she's sure.

Tweak the following quote:

"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."

Substitute out "asshole"; replace with....

Yesterday MW had an especially troublesome encounter. By her own admission, she was engaged in a "passionate" conversation with her boss about getting some training. And as we all know, MW talks with her hands. Anyway, during this impassioned discourse, the trainer snapped at MW: "Don't you point your finger at me!"

MW was stunned and saddened. She apologized then went off to cry.

In my mind's eye, I can see the situation very clearly. It is the chorea coming out, as it will, during moments of high emotion.

What I told MW, however, was that the trainer must have some personal problems. Probably is on drugs - most everybody is these days. She shouldn't worry about it. Still, no point working at a place like that. They sound like very unprofessional people. MW should turn in her resignation and take some time off. Maybe go back to school; or just relax. Life has been stressful lately. Time to take a break.

Yes, I want MW to quit her job. I lose control when she goes off to work - even if it is only part time hours doing fairly simple and repetitive tasks. I've long feared someone would say something to MW that would push her over - this is why I encourage her to stay away from her family - and "Don't point your finger at me!" when MW is only exhibiting typical HD behavior is too goddamned close for comfort.

But, of course, I understand that without a job, MW would have more time to sit around and think. This could also lead to trouble.

Yet another in the endless parade of lose/lose situations.

Yesterday, when MW hung up the phone, she said she was going to resign. Yay! When I got home, however, she said she couldn't do it. She doesn't want to feel like a failure.

Okay then. Moving on....

2016.08.09

MW's cousin and his wife are coming into town for a wedding. During the past three years, whenever a friend or relative has contacted MW about visiting, she's always made some excuse not to see them - we'd be out-of-town or we have the flu or somesuch.

This time, however, she asked them to stay at our house for the weekend. And they said yes.

Great. So now what the fuck do I do?

My first thought was to contact them behind MW's back and ask them, please, don't come; but I couldn't trust them not to turn around and call MW back to bitch at her about it. 

Also, MW seems excited about seeing these family members as they aren't part of the branch that she's totally cut off. So it would be pretty awful of me to keep them apart.

Still. What the fuck am I going to do? Already MW is worried about how she's going to sleep and eat when they're here. Right now she's sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the sitting room surrounded by sofas so she can't bump her head, but she can't let them see that. It will all have to be moved. But she can't take it upstairs because she might trip going up and down; plus it's too dark in those closed off rooms. Currently the thought is we just won't sleep the two days they're here. I guess that might work. 

And then there's the food situation to consider. This summer has been terrible for MW's diet. Already two of her staples - a frozen meal and a particular type of fish - have been discontinued from the grocery store. Finding replacements has not been easy. It is a lot of trial and error and, literally, visiting every grocery store in our area looking for that one, specific meal. Yeah, I did go on-line to check, but MW doesn't always trust the internet, so.... What if, when her cousins are here, she can't find the food she needs? They can't know that her diet is so rigid, so how will she eat? We won't be able to spend the entire day driving from one store to the next searching for food if they're with us.

Also, let's not forget the messy house. MW can't let them see how we live, and that's going to be extremely difficult to deal with. She did call a plumber to replace the dirty toilette, so that'll be okay; but what about the rest of it? We can't replace the entire house.

But above all this, my biggest fear is that something dangerous will be said during their visit. It might be well-intended - "have you lost weight?" - which, even though said to be kind, would still send MW into a spiral of fear and doubt. Worse, however, would be if they ask MW about her other family relationships; "Why haven't you seen your dad in three years? Why aren't you talking to your brother?"

This could lead to a conversation with disastrous consequences. No overstatement. If I'm not around or unable to redirect these types of inquiry, it could end.... everything.

I do not trust any of MW's family members. They are willfully and cruelly ignorant of the symptoms of Huntington's Disease. In the past, when MW first expressed her concerns to them, they responded flippantly, then turned to belligerence when she wasn't placated by their platitudes. 

Fuck 'em.

Now the cousin coming to our house is younger and, I hope, more tactful. Indeed, he is the child of MW's aunt who also has the disease. He, apparently, made some waves when he married outside his religion (a Hindu girl!) and rumor has it he's given up faith in God. Something about what kind of God would allow this! I've got an answer for him, but he probably wouldn't like it.

Anyway, he's also smart as a whip; an Emergency Room doctor, and, as I said, much younger. So I doubt he would go off on MW about her behavior, at least not deliberately, but the fact that they have a shared family history is causing me great anxiety. And it's not just a one-way street. MW has a tendency to take conversations to strange places. She may push him into a corner where he has no choice but to talk about things best left unsaid. 

I can't control what he'll say. And that scares me to death.