2014.12.08

I was premature thinking I'd quelled the great burp panic. That night MW and I lost sleep worrying about burps. At one point she asked if anyone had ever died from excessive burping. I assured her she would be the first.

Other HD behaviors of note: Last night MW informed me that she'd bumped her head. She took me to the place where it happened, showed me how it happened, and asked if it was anything she needed to worry about. The skull is very hard, I said, and lightly bumping it against a wall is common and harmless.

Saturday MW dropped her lunch at work. Recall that her diet is incredibly complex and regulated. Here; I might as well take the opportunity to document what and how she eats. Also note that, except for the three days she doesn't work - Tu-Thu - I'm responsible for cooking and cleaning. And even on those days I still have to clean as the dishes will be piled up when I come home, and cook diner as well. Anyway, without further ado, MW's diet:

Breakfast (before 8:00am):
Two pieces of bread with peanut butter
Eggs (two with yoke, three no yoke)
One banana
One spoon of yogurt
One spoon of sour cream

Morning snack (between 10:00am and noon):
Half piece of bread with one slice of cheese

Lunch (between noon and 3:00pm)
Frozen meal (the same kind every day)
Fish (either Salmon or Mahi Mahi)
Beans (Garbanzo, Black Eyed Peas, and Black Beans; each ground in the blender to make a sort of paste)

Afternoon snack (between 3:00 and 6:00)
Half cup of cashews, rinsed to remove the salt

Diner (after 6:00, before 8:00)
Eggs (two with yoke, three no yoke)
Rice (one cup)
Frozen meal (the same kind every day)
Chicken (ground up in the blender)
Spinach

Evening snack (around 8:00):
One spoon of sour cream

This has been going on for about half a year now - no variation whatsoever. If anything changes, MW becomes excessively worried that she won't be able to sleep. Can you imaging eating the exact same thing every day for six months? Man, she won't even drink anything but water! On the one hand, that discipline is incredible; on the other, having to deal with this on a daily basis is maddening not to mention ridiculously inconvenient.

For example, dropping her lunch on Saturday created a crises. MW couldn't make a substitution so she had to wait until she came home to eat. Then, almost as soon as she finished lunch, she had to start eating diner. Would that much food eaten so late in the day cause her to loose sleep?

Maddening.

Also, as I've mentioned before, the only way we can go anywhere is to make short trips so we're back in time for whatever meals needs to be eaten, or to pack the food and take it along. And, no mistake, it is a lot of food to prepare and pack.

Inconvenient.

Sunday she bumped her head; Saturday was the dropped food; Friday we were still worried about burping.... Still, through all this, the sleep pattern has been fairly consistent. MW will go down around ten at night, wake up at midnight to ask how long she'd slept, then stay down until seven or so in the morning. The only addition to this routine is she's started talking in her sleep now, usually around 3 in the morning. Boring, work related stuff; but spoken loud enough to wake me up.

I'm tired. All the time.

And, of course, she continuously drops things, spills things.... and frequently chokes on foods and liquids. Not good.

It's more difficult to gauge the dementia. After watching the trailer for the Exodus movie, MW asked if Jesus was a real person.

Um. Yes.

And she had a follow up question: So the bible is true?

How... how do you even answer that?

I explained that Jesus was real, but only Christians believe he was born of virgin, son of god, resurrected, all that.

Oh, MW said, I believe he was resurrected.

Like, 60 seconds ago you didn't even know if he was a real person, I said. How can you believe in the resurrection?

Well, she explained, I know god is about faith. I thought Jesus was the same thing. Faith based. I've always had faith that he was resurrected.

You tell me: dementia or transcendent insight?

If this seems glib to the point of cruelty - making fun of the handicapped, Wayne? Big man - well maybe so. I guess I have a problem separating the disease from the person. I've been the disease's caretaker so long now, I have a hard time seeing the person that was MW in there at all anymore. And I don't have much respect for that fucking disease.

***

I've stopped drinking. Yeah, again. Blame it on October this time, and the worse Halloween ever. I was part of an intense trial during that month and couldn't drink because I was working too much. Then, when it was over, I tried to start drinking again but it made me very sick. So sick, the next day I couldn't even face the bottles. I poured it all down the drain.

Don't applaud. Throwing it away was weakness; not strength. I should have manned up and taken the medicine. Now, without my alcohol crutch, I'm a pathetic, hobbling mess. The long hours at work have left my back stiff and my legs wobbly. My shoulders ache and I walk hunched over. I'm morbidly depressed and can't sleep at night. I've put on weight....

I miss the elation and confidence I got from the bottle. Walking around drunk, man, I was bulletproof. There was a swagger with my stagger. Delusional? Hell, yes. I'm sure I was just as much an ass-clown then as I am now. Probably more so. Still, I ache for the escape drinking provided. Oh, to have those weird vodka nightmares back again! At least that would mean I'd be sleeping.