2018.08.27

What am I missing?

I've been scrapping myself raw down here at the bottom of the barrel; throwing myself against the brick walls, collapsing hard upon the concrete floor. I've not an inch of smooth skin left and everything is tinted the color of my blood.

For what? Why do I keep going? The joy of hearing death laugh at me?

No. I'm missing something.

I have to be.

But what?

***

Just because I can't see the solution doesn't mean there isn't one.

But see? That right there has become a huge problem: I'm getting worse. Stupider. I never used to write sentences so awkward and poorly structured. I've forgotten how to be myself; how to think like I should think, act like I should act.

So if there is an answer, I fear it's beyond my ken of understanding and outside my capabilities.

Funny. MW has Huntington's Disease, but I'm the one thinking about walking into the sea. She's doing fine, at least as far as she knows, she's doing great! Just the other day she was bragging about how she's the best she's ever been, mentally, because of her high protein diet.

I guess it doesn't register that she hasn't been able to work for a year, and she must not see the dozens of sheets of typing paper containing "reminders" which she's taped up all over the walls. Of course the car's been in the shop for three weeks since she smashed it into a pole, and she still has crap piled up all around the garage door to prevent her from going over the threshold too fast.

But she's eating four fillets of salmon a week. She's ready to take on the world! As long as it doesn't contain a sidewalk with too many sections. You can trip over those section breaks, which is why we don't walk at the park anymore.

***

The house rules set forth by MW are extensive and exhausting. Every moment of my time at home is set to tasks. It's been this way for years.

But lately I've let things slide. Simple things like plugging all the drains in the house to prevent tree-roaches from crawling out of the pipes, or leaving the kitchen sponge in the sink instead of the drying rack. Seems like every day I forget one or more of these rules.

And when I do? Apocalypse. Sleeplessness. MW will wake me at 1,2,3 in the morning to yell at me that I've left a sink un-plugged.

Stupid stupid stupid me.

***

The other day, I tried walking with my head up; shoulders back. You know, on a lark.

Didn't last. Within five steps my back hunched and eyes down-turned. Everything hurt. I shuffled along hurriedly to my office where I could pop some Advil.

I'm broke down.

***

But am I missing something?