Seems like death is everywhere these days. David Bowie, Glenn Frey.... Lemmy. Angus Scrimm. So far Roger Waters is still hanging on, even though he's the one who figured out the pros and cons of it all way back in the 80s: "Why prolong the agony? All men must die."
All those listed but Scrimm died in their late 60s; like my dad.
Maybe this is a return to the normal life span. Geezers living to almost 100? What's the fucking point? Seems like we used to die off around 60/70. Makes sense to me.
But then again, for me, that's another, what? Twenty years? Errr.
My sister-in-law has, what appears to be, an inoperable brain tumor. I spend time with her children - my niece and nephew - and they avoid talking about it. Just as I avoid talking about MW's Huntington's Disease. Vague, oblique references to the "uncertain" future. Uncertain.
Fucking DEATH! There. That's the future. What's so uncertain about that? My sister-in-law with a brain tumor? She'll see her son graduate in 2016. Her daughter's 2018 graduation? Toss a coin.
Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, I break through another level. But come on; this has to stop. We've long since gone beyond the testing point - God pushing Job's nose in for giggles - fine. I'm still here, aren't I? And I'm willing to tote the barge for the duration - at least as long as the hull of this alcohol fueled tugboat holds back the water - but my sister-in-law? Unfair. Life? Unfair.
And, just as with my father, I am sick with worry about my sister-in-law's health but, always there in the back of my mind, are the disgusting, guilty thoughts that, hoo boy, if she has to be admitted to a hospital? Or when she dies and we have to go to the funeral? Man, dealing with MW through that is going to be absolute misery.
I wouldn't say I'm drunk now. I'm certainly not sober; but I'm not blind either. MW is out of the house now so I can write without interruption. I should be doing something better than this - pissing and moaning - but I've had a... revelation? No. A theory? No. Not even so deep. Let's call this an observation.
I'm a lapsed Catholic with a hate hard-on for God. Sure, MW has Huntington's Disease so that accounts for it, right? Indeed. But let's be honest - as soon as I left my mother's house and could stop going to church every Sunday - I did stop going to church every Sunday. I slept in. Now I'm the caretaker of a woman who is dying by fractions of inches and I can do absolutely nothing to stop the progression of death as it greys away all life from her skin, her hair, her lips and her mind. Her soul.
My brother is a Lutheran. I know, right? We were raised Catholic and he - heh - became a Lutheran when he married a Lutheran. His wife is dying from a brain tumor. Bad, yes, but it'll be over soon. Relatively soon.
My sister? Oh man, she's doing great! Healthy as an ox - great marriage; two glorious young sons - both righteously successful. College bound. Fantastic people. Rich? Yessir. House in the Austin hill country with nothing but more success on the horizon. Ridiculously perfect life.
Oh, by the way, she's very actively involved in one of those charismatic churches. Yup. One of those "God loves you and you can have everything" cults. Lakewood writ small.
So here's how it pans out, the way I see it now (sure, I'm seeing it through a bottle and a half of cheap red, but it is before my eyes). If you were Catholic but loose all religion (like me!) you are absolutely and unequivocally fucked. Hey, this isn't just me looking at my belly-button with a tear in my eye. Huntington's Disease is acknowledged as the "cruelest" disease known to man. And that's what I earned for turning my back on the church. A lifetime of suffering that is, without hyperbole, just one step north of hell.
My brother actively tossed a middle finger to the church. He became Lutheran! Holy shit! Hammering toilet paper on the cathedral door - the whole nine yards. For this he will loose his wife during the prime of their lives. Bullshit. God? Bullshit.
Now my sister. A charismatic church? That kumbayah hold hands and drop 10% in the collection plate scam? And for this she is rewarded with wealth and health and blessings beyond most people's dreams?
Hey God? Good one.
No comments:
Post a Comment