2014.09.23

Tiny cracks are spider-webbing the façade MW has built up over the past six months. A year ago, when she had the breakdown, I assumed the worse: that she would have to accept Huntington's Disease and our lives would change forever. But she recovered, returned to work, and has been functional for the better part of the intervening year.

And now the bad days are returning. Sleepless nights are back, as are the occasions of uncontrollable 'twitching'. More than this, however, her employers have started to criticize her work. She has a phone job, and during her last review she was dinged for repeating herself to the customer. The comment was, when she talks that way, she sounds confused and unclear.

Deep breath.

I can continue ignoring the symptoms and lying to MW indefinitely, but I can't ask her employers to do the same. At some point they will either fire her or force her to seek medical help. My only hope is she'll quit before that happens. It is likely I could convince her quitting is a good idea because the job sucks and all that jive, but if they up and let her go... she'll be devastated. Worse, if they try to be "enlightened employers" and ask her to seek out medical help....

And I'm still wrestling with the bottle. Shit, as often as I'm drunk at work these days, I'll probably get fired before MW does. And my health is failing. I'm short of breath and get stabbing pains in my sides.

MW and I were shuffling for the grave, but she picked up the pace and I'm keeping stride.

2014.09.18

I spent the weekend searching youtube for hits on Huntington's Disease. Yeah, it was about as much fun as you'd expect, but I came away from the computer with a changed perspective.

I don't have the disease.

I'm not going to die like that.

So the question is: would I rather have HD or be responsible for someone who does?

Would I trade places with my wife?

If the answer is no, then I should suck it up, stop feeling sorry for myself and stop drinking. If yes, well.... Well well well.

The question comes with a lot of qualifiers, however, foremost among them being the fact that MW will not acknowledge the disease and so I'm tasked with hiding the symptoms from her. I don't blame her at all; we both watched her mother go through this so MW's ongoing denial may be healthy. For her. For me? Not so much. The daily lying and constant equivocation extracts a heavy toll. You really question your value as a human when most of your mental energy is committed to deceiving one who relies on and trusts you.

But if we could trade places, I would acknowledge the disease. I would get tested and offer myself up for medical trials and observation.

Sure I would.

Wouldn't I?

The truthful answer to that will not be found at the bottom of a bottle.