MW was in heaven! She ran to all the neighbors, sat and
talked with everyone, got out of the house to gossip and chit chat with
strangers. She really loves and lives for that sort of thing. In the end, it
was nothing. Some teenager hoax. But the activity must have been good for MW
because she slept well last night. We should have these hostage hoaxes more
often.
Reviewing yesterday’s blog entry, however, and I feel stupid.
Ashamed, really. Railing against God is so demeaning. Makes one seem childish
and naïve. It just goes to show how abysmal my situation is and how desperately I need help.
Well. There is none coming. So I had better start getting
my head right (wrong) so I can deal with this reality through avoidance.
Liquor, yes. Soon. It's just that I’m
still unnerved by the functional oblivion I experienced last time I drank.
I’m grinding my teeth as I write. For fuck’s sake I never
wanted this! I had dreams, plans, maybe even talent. Now the most likely
outcome for my life is alcoholism coupled with health problems. How often have
I judged alcoholics as pathetic? You drink because you don’t like your job?
Fucking quit, you sod! You’re soused because of relationship problems? Well
there’s plenty more fish in the sea, babe. Maybe you just booze because you’ve
had a rough childhood and can’t handle life. Oh, grow the fuck up.
Your wife’s brain is slowing killing her in the most insidious and grotesque way conceivable and the process will likely take
decades but you can’t do anything about it because that would force your wife
to accept the fact that her life is basically over and, statistically speaking,
many in her situation just off themselves? Yup. Next round’s on me.
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