2017.08.21

MW fell twice over the weekend: once when going down the stairs; then again when putting on underwear. And that adds up to a shit load of cowardly lying on my part. Fortunately the ol' "your mom never fell" riff still has legs. If falling were a symptom of HD, her mom would have fallen all the time. Since her mom never did fall, it can't be a symptom, right?

Abso-fucking-lutely correct.

Even better, it dawned on MW that her mother always sat down to put on pants. Perfect! Don't step into them; slide them on, and you'll never fall again.

Solid.

Also, she didn't hurt herself any. The falls weren't drastic; more like controlled tumbles, so that's good.

Nevertheless, these two events caused us to rearrange the entire house again. No more going upstairs, beds and televisions moved accordingly, and chairs and sofas are now strategically places wherever she may need to put on pants. 

Exhausting work with very little sleep all on top of an aching hernia.

Eh. Could be worse.

***

Like when MW will be forced to quit. Her full time hours start this week but she's using PTO to effect part time employment. Once that's played out, she's housebound. Without a job, she'll have no purpose. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. She will, I'm sure, be overwhelmed by depression. And that will go hand and hand with anger and sleeplessness. 

Bad days coming. I wish I was better equipped to deal.  

***

My margin of error has dipped below zero. I'm in the negative zone. Even if I do everything right, on time, and with a smile, I'm still going to get cussed out. Stand and take it, of course, but lately that seems to make things worse. And MW's growing favorite response is to command, "just divorce me!" 

I gently push back; calming explaining that I'm not upset, I haven't been upset, I'm very sorry for whatever it is I did (or didn't do), but if she wants the divorce...?

Usually it ends there and we'll move on to other ways I've failed or reasons why I'm a total dumb-ass, but it makes me wonder; how much sense of self-preservation does MW still have? At some level, she must know she needs me; yet everything I do infuriates her and she never lets the words "I hate you!" go unsaid.

The concern is, would she/could she really divorce me? It raises many complicated issues. She hasn't been tested so nobody knows for sure she has HD. There is no paper saying she is not "of sound mind". If she wanted to, she absolutely could....

And I'd be a free man. How about that?

But talk about complicated! She's my wife and I'm honor-bound to take care of her "in sickness", but the only way to fight a divorce would be to proclaim her condition. I've spent the last four years of my goddamned life avoiding just that. I've isolated us from everybody - missing seeing my father on his deathbed; missed his funeral - did all this to keep her from that reality.

So. Would I fight the divorce if it meant exposing MW to the truth?