"What's wrong with me?" she asks.
And I have no words.
She's pinned all her hopes on an interview next week for a part time phone job. She's qualified, it is only three hours a day, and very close to home. The perfect situation.
So when the rejection comes this time, it is really going to hurt. I fear it will instigate another bout of deep depression. And, dammit, MW has been doing fairly well these days. She wakes up happy enough, anyway. Still runs around and laughs with the dog. Sure, little things set her off, but it doesn't stick. Last night, for example, she dropped an egg and flew into a rage. She found some excuse to terrorize me, yelling and screaming about a bathroom door I'd left open, but I figured it was a reaction to her own self-doubt. And, after only a few minutes, she apologized and the evening wasn't ruined.
Not bad.
However, when she doesn't get this job, I foresee her attitude plummeting hard and fast. It'll be a return of the dark days. The sleeping-in-the-closet/never-leaving-the-house days.
And at this point, I doubt we'd ever get another chance at normalcy.
***
Or, they might actually hire her. Wouldn't that be something? A postponement of the inevitable - and what's worse: never getting the job or being fired almost immediately? - but that would really boost her spirits. For awhile.
***
Last Sunday I was airing up the car's tires when suddenly a sharp spike of pain tore through my head, literally striking me blind. Tunnel vision. It was all I could do to stand up and fight back the nausea and wait for the motes to clear from my eyes. I've had migraines before, but this was unlike anything I'd experienced. It came on so quick and without warning.
Somehow I was able to hide the condition from MW and, even more impressive, drive home. Then I gobbled some Advil and got in the shower until I felt half-way human.
It is Friday now and my head has not stopped hurting. The pain isn't as intense (of course, or I'd be dead), it has settled into a dull throb, but it is constant. I'm eating Advil like M&Ms. I've been waking up at four every morning with a splitting headache. Sleep is impossible.
I've no idea why. A couple of thoughts - I was squatting when it happened, so maybe my hernia got pinched? Also, I had stopped drinking; so maybe withdrawal?
Or, could it be, just nerves?
***
In mentally playing out end-game scenarios to this waking nightmare - none of which are tolerable - I've recently become aware of something I've overlooked. A few times in the past, when confronted with something she couldn't handle, MW just broke away entirely. She stopped talking about the problem, changed the subject, and wouldn't allow it to come up again. She just talked louder, shouting over the person who was trying to discuss the issue.
This never happened with anything Huntington's related, but other family dramas got the shut-out treatment. If she didn't want to hear it; she wouldn't hear it, and that was the end.
What if that's how it ultimately plays out with HD? When it gets to the point where I simply can't allow her to drive or be unsupervised - and she blocks it out. Refuses to deal.
Then what will I do?
***
I went walking around during my lunch hour and found myself outside a Catholic Church where I experienced an odd urge to go inside. This blossomed into a desire to sit through Mass. Impossible during the weekends, but what if they had some sort of weekday, noon service for the working stiff? As I approached to see their posted hours, I noticed a crowd of people milling about the doors. Well dressed, attractive, happy people. They were getting into nice cars and talking and laughing with each other.
I left. I'll not return.
